he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard