If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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