You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
