You were right. It hurts to walk today.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
