I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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