You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
