I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
