My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
