there's paper in my vomit.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
