my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
