Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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