I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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