All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
