if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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