I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
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dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
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You brought string cheese to the strip club
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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