Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
