Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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