so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
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I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
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you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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