This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
