I faked an abortion last night.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
