nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
