soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
