And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I will pee on everything he values.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
