He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
