matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
