i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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