Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
