Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
