you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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