Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
So here I am, sexting at work.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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