before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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