some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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