just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.