Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.