I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
