my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
