maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
