The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I think people are normalizing furries
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
