he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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