watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
