hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
