Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
