a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Boobs are out for the taking
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
