Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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