...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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