so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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