I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
