Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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