I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
