im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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