You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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