Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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