the condom got lost in my hair
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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