My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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