I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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