I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
